It’s 1am, i’m sitting on my front porch under the moonlight. I’m about to pack my 3rd bowl when the feeling first hits me..it’s weird at first, time slows down, frames are skipping..my hands are the size of balloons. I feel great, somewhat happy even. It helps me forget. It helps me cope..but somehow i dont feel like it’s enough. Sometimes I feel like I wanna leave this..leave the whole world, even if for a few minutes. I need more. I feel like a smack junkie that can’t get his fix..maybe i’ll keep experimenting.
Twice a week, he went to seminars about depression. Self-help groups, more appropriately speaking. He was finishing up his Master’s in counseling, and hosting workshops was his final assignment. He told all the attendees that depression was mostly hereditary and induced by off-balance brain…
Bouta go on a bike ride, then smoke a bowl in the park..I feel great today, I feel like I wanna get out and do something..at least i’ll enjoy the nature. There’s this prefect smoking spot in the park, you go off trail a little ways and theres this secluded area right next to the creek. It’s perfect you can toke up and not worry about anyone..most of the time. It’s a good place to meditate. I think I need to do that more often..gather my thoughts. Anyway, I’m out.
I think i can honestly say, for the first time in my life, I know that someone cares. They know who they are, and I just wanted to say thank you…now, time for some sleep. I haven’t felt this relieved in awhile..or this tired. They’re both good signs.
Ah. Depression. It blows. HA, it’s kinda funny though, I go through these cycles of losing 5 pounds because im depressed, then ill gain 10 from being high for 72 hours..being alone is the worst part. I am for most of the day now..everyday. You get used to it, I have been for most of my life. Sometimes i feel like i just want to crawl inside a box and never come out. I swear sometimes I think i have agoraphobia..I feel like im afraid of the world and everyone is out to get me. I know someone right now is probably reading this and going “typical middle class white kid, wtf kinda pain do you feel?” I’ve gone through more shit than you even know. My past is a mystery to most, and i intend to keep it that way..but i cant help but feeling like my life is missing something more..I def need a change. Fuck, most of the time I just feel like a failure..I feel like whenever the rare chance comes along that I let someone in, I just fuck it up..somehow..my parents werent much help. My dad’s a lazy drunk motherfucker..and my mom is…ok, most of the time, now that she’s actually here for me. I’ve got to fix this. Enough of this self-loathing. I’m the only one that CAN fix this..i’ll start by putting the bottle down.
Dont wait for me, you've got alot to do, you've got alot to be
I’m not sure what the future holds for me. I’m not even sure if i have much of a future, not a good one anyways, but it’s nice to have something to work towards. A little speck of light at the end of the tunnel, cuz once you leave, you’re gonna wanna bask in the light, and never return to the tunnel.
I thought i’d record it before i forgot it..it was me sitting in the park..and saw the whole world turn into snowglobe, a huge hand was shaking the snowglobe…and it was like the hand was controlling the world…and it was making a joke out of it..
Eh, life’s been getting me down lately. I just feel alone most of the time. I feel like nobody cares….and after society tells me to go to school, get a job, get married, have kids, grow old and die…well wat’s the point? Life is so meaningless to most..sometimes i feel like im just going to explode i have all these fuckin thoughts running around inside my head about all that bullshit. I’m trying, but nothing is working. The really depressing part is that’s basically wat life is…get up, go to work, go home, sleep. Someday i’d like to move somewhere far away, like spain…hawaii would be nice. Just a fucking paradise where i could just chill all day and never worry about anything. Maybe it sounds childish, but THAT for me IS the american dream. I dont give a shit about money, all i need is me on my hammock, rocking myself to sleep under the sunset on a beach where the ocean water is so crisp you can taste it it in the air. I just wish there was a way i could reach out to someone…anyone, in a better way than a fucking internet blog. Oh well, i’ve like blogging before so we’ll see how this one goes..